There Child, said he is a dictionary, and there a Gramar, and [there Paper,
Pen] and Ink, and you may take your own time. This was joyfull news to me and I then thought my Admission safe.
The Latin was soon made, and I was declared Admitted and a Theme
given me, to write on in the Vacation. I was as light when I came home as I had
been heavy when I went: my Master was well pleased and my Parents very happy. I
spent the Vacation not very profitably chiefly in reading Magazines and a
British Apollo. I went to Colledge at the End of it
and took the Chamber assigned me and my place in the Class under Mr.
Mayhew. I found some better Schollars than
myself, particularly Lock, Hemmenway and Tisdale. The last left Colledge before the End of the first Year, and what became
of him I know not. Hemmenway still
lives a great divine, and Lock has been
President of Harvard Colledge a Station for which no
Man was better qualified. With these I ever lived in friendship,
without jealousy or Envy. I soon became intimate with them, and began to feel a
desire to equal them in Science and Literature. In the Sciences especially
Mathematicks, I soon surpassed them, mainly
because, intending to go into the Pulpit, they thought Divinity and the Classicks of more Importance to them. In Litterature I never overtook them.
Here it may be proper to recollect something which makes an Article of great
importance in the Life of every Man. I was of an amorous disposition and very
early from ten or eleven Years of Age, was very fond of the Society of females.
I had my favorites among the young Women and spent many of my Evenings in their
Company and this disposition although controlled for seven Years after my
Entrance into College returned and engaged me too much till I was married.
Page 2
[I shall draw] no Characters nor give any
enumeration of my youthfull flames. It would be
considered as no compliment to the dead or the living: This I will say they
were all modest and virtuous Girls and always maintained this Character through
Life. No Wife or VirVirgin or Matron ever had cause to blush at the
sight of me, or to regret her Acquaintance with me. No Father, Brother, Son or
Friend ever had cause of Grief or Resentment for any Intercourse between me and
any Daughter, Sister, Mother, or any other Relation of the female Sex. My
Children may be assured that no illegitimate Brother or Sister exists or ever
existed. These Reflections, to me consolatory beyond all expression, I am able
to make with truth and sincerity and I presume I am indebted for this blessing
to my Education. My Parents held every Species of Libertinage in such Contempt
and horror, and held up constantly to view such pictures of disgrace, of
baseness and of Ruin, that my natural temperament was always overawed by my
Principles and Sense of decorum. This Blessing has been rendered the more prescious to me, as I have seen enough of the Effects of a
different practice. Corroding Reflections through Life are the never failing
consequence of illicit amours, in old Countries as well as in new
Countries. The Happiness of Life depends more upon Innocence in this respect,
than upon all the Philosophy of Epicurus, or of Zeno without it. I could write
Romances, or Histories as wonderfull as Romances of
what I have known or heard in
France,
Holland and
England, and all would serve to confirm what I learned in my
Youth in
America, that Happiness is lost forever if Innocence is lost, at
least untill a Repentance is undergone [illegible] so severe as to be an overballance to all the gratifications of
Licentiousness. Repentance itself cannot restore the Happiness of Innocence, at
least in this Life.
Continued
November 30, 1804
.
In my own class at Collidge, there were several
others, for whom I had a strong affection Wentworth, Brown, Livingston, Sewall and Dalton all of whom have been eminent in Life,
excepting Livingston an amiable and
ingenious Youth who died within a Year or two of afterhis
first degree. In the Class before me I had several Friends,Treadwell the greatest Schollar, of my time, whose [illegible]
early death in the Professorship of Mathematicks
and natural Phylosophy at
New York American Science has still reason to deplore,West the eminent Divine of
New Bedford, and Samuel Quincy, the easy,
social and benevolent Companion, and not without Genius, Elegance
and Taste.
I soon perceived a growing Curiosity, a Love of Books and a fondness for
Study, which dissipated all my Inclination for Sports, and even for the Society
of the Ladies. I read forever, but without much method, and with very little
Choice. I got my Lessons regularly and performed my recitations without
Censure. Mathematicks and natural Phylosophy attracted the most of my Attention, which I
have since regretted, because I was destined to a Course of Life, in which
these Sciences have been of little Use, and the Classicks would have been of great Importance. I owe to
this however perhaps some degree of Patience of Investigation, which I might
not otherwise have obtained. Another Advantage ought not to be omitted. It is
too near my heart. My Smattering of Mathematicks enabled me afterwards at
Auteuil in
France to go, with my eldest Son, through a Course of Geometry,
Algebra and several Branches of the Sciences, with a degree of pleasure that
amply rewarded me for all my time and pains.
Between the Years 1751 when I entered, and 1754
[i.e.
1755] when I left
Colledge a Controversy
was carried on between
Mr. Bryant the
Minister of our Parish and some of his People, partly on Account of his
Principles which were called Arminian and partly on Account of his Conduct,
which was too gay and light if not immoral. Ecclesiastical Councils were called
and sat at my Fathers House. Parties and their
Accrimonies arose in the Church and
Page 4
[Congregation], and Controversies
from the Press between
Mr. Bryant,
Mr. Niles, Mr. Porter, Mr.
Bass, concerning the five Points. I read all these Pamphlets and many
other Writings on the same Subject and found myself involved in difficulties
beyond my Powers of decision. At the same time, I saw such a Spirit of
Dogmatism and Bigotry in Clergy and Laity, that if I should be a Priest I must
take my side, and pronounce as positively as any of them, or never get a
Parish, or getting it must soon leave it. Very strong doubts arose in my mind,
whether I was made for a Pulpit in such times, and I began to think of other
Professions. I perceived very clearly, as I thought, that
by the
Study of Theology and the pursuit of it as a Profession would involve me in
endless Altercations and make my Life miserable, without any prospect of doing
any good to my fellow Men.
The two last years of my Residence at Colledge,
produced a Clubb of Students, I never knew the History
of the first rise of it, who invited me to become one of them. Their plan was
to spend their Evenings together, in reading any new publications, or any
Poetry or Dramatic Compositions, that might fall in their Way. I was as often
requested to read as any other, especially Tragedies, and it was whispered to
me and circulated among others that I had some faculty for public Speaking and
that I should make a better Lawyer than Divine. This last Idea was easily
understood and embraced by me. My Inclination was soon fixed upon the Law: But
my judgment was not so easily determined. There were many difficulties in the
Way. Although my Fathers general Expectation was that I should be a Divine, I
knew him to be a Man of so thoughtful and considerate a turn of mind, to be
possessed of so much Candor and moderation, that it would not be difficult to
remove any objections he might make to my pursuit of Physick or Law or any other reasonable Course. My
Motheralthough a pious Woman I knew had no partiality for the Life
of a Clergyman. But I had Uncles and other relations, full of the most
illiberal Prejudices against the Law. I had indeed a proper Affection and
veneration for them, but as I was under no Obligation of Gratitude to them,
which could give them any colour of Authority to
prescribe a course of Life to me, I thought little of their Opinions. Other
Obstacles more serious than these presented themselves. A Lawyer must have a
Fee, for taking me into his Office. I must be