My Dearest Friend
The family are all retired to rest, the Busy scenes of the day are over, a day which I wished to have devoted in a particular manner to my dearest Friend, but company falling in prevented nor could I claim a moment untill this silent watch of the Night.
Look -- (is there a dearer Name than Friend; think of it for me;) Look to the date of this Letter -- and tell me, what are the thoughts which arise in your mind? Do you not recollect that Eighteen years have run their anual Circuit, since we pledged our mutual Faith to each other, and the Hymeneal torch was Lighted at the Alter of Love. Yet, yet it Burns with unabating fervour, old ocean has not Quenched it, nor old Time smootherd it, in the Bosom of Portia. It cheers her in the Lonely Hour, it comforts her even in the gloom which sometimes possessess her mind.
It is my Friend from the Remembrance of the joys I have lost that the arrow of affliction is pointed. I recollect the untitled Man to whom I gave my Heart, and in the agony of recollection when time and distance present themseves together, wish he had never been any other. Who shall give me back Time? Who shall compensate to me those years I cannot recall? How dearly have I paid for a titled Husband; should I wish you less wise, that I might enjoy more happiness? I cannot find that in my Heart. Yet providence has wisely placed the real Blessings of Life within the reach of moderate abilities, and he who is wiser than his Neighbour sees so much more to pitty and Lament, that I doubt whether the balance of happiness is in his Scale.
I feel a disposition to Quarrel with a race of Beings who have cut me of, in the midst of my days from the only Society I delighted in. Yet No Man liveth for himself, says an authority I will not dispute. Let me draw satisfaction from this Source
You have obtaind honour and Reputation at Home and abroad. O may not an inglorious Peace wither the Laurels you have won. I wrote you [Abigail to John, 08 October 1782] per Capt. Grinnel. The Fire Brand is in great haste to return, and I fear will not give me time to say half I wish. I want you to say many more things to me than you do, but you write so wise so like a minister of state. I know your Embarassments. Thus again I pay for titles. Life takes its complexion from inferiour things; it is little attentions and assiduities that sweeten the Bitter draught and smooth the Rugged Road.
I have repeatedly expresst my desire to make a part of your Family. "But will you come and see me" [John to Abigail, 01 April 1782] cannot be taken in that serious Light I should chuse to consider an invitation from those I Love. I do not doubt but that you would be glad to see me; but I know you are apprehensive of dangers and fatigues. I know your Situation may be unsettled -- and it may be more permanant than I wish it. Only think how the word 3 and 4 and 5 years absence sounds!! It sinks into my Heart with a Weight I cannot express. Do you look like the Minature you sent? I cannot think so. But you have a better likeness I am told. Is that designd for me? Gracious Heaven restore to me the original and I care not who has the shadow.
We are hoping for the fall of Gibralter, because we imagine that will facilitate a peace -- and who is not weary of the war? The appointment of Dr. F. to the Sweedish Court is considerd as a curious step, especially at his own Instances Tis probable others will write you more particularly (the French Fleet still remain with us and the British cruizers insult them -- more American vessels have
Adieu my dear Friend.
Ever Ever Yours Portia
[Endorsement -- see page image]