Boston Decr. 11th 1754 Dear Sr.,

I am just return'd from Falmouth & enquired wth. big Expectations for yr. Letter, especially wn. my Sister return'd, but for Answer I recieved that I was not yet worthy to recieve News from the dead. My Unworthiness is my Argument, for the Meanest persons are genrally most visited with Ghosts & Apparitions. However I can scarcely wonder at yr. neglect, for Travellers are gen'raly fond of reaching their port before they transmit Any Accounts to their Freinds, & by a Secret Skill in Necromancy I have lately Acquired I find you still Wandring Near the Stygian Waters. & being determin'd to have a compleat knowledge of the countrys you pass through, you have Neglected An acquaintance wth. all the Worthy Heroes & Renown'd Philosophers that there wander disconsolate waiting for a Pass through this burning Clime to the Elysian Fields, & are courting An Intimacy with Cerberus the three headed Native & Guard228of those Regions. Whether you expect to coax the Cur to let you pass, or whether you think an Intimacy with so faithfull a porter will recommend you to the Happy feilds, I can't tell, tho' tis plain you have by his means contracted a Correspondence wth. Asculapius. However before you quit the Dog I expect you will obtain one of his heads, which will not only render you his equal but also set you Above Any Oposition you may meet wth. in yr. passage onwards to the high Court of Radamanthus; where I percieve yr. Indightment will be Robbery & Avarice in this World & sacralidge committed in the very face of the Court. To the former part of which the Attorney General will alledge & undoubtedly bring Notorious Proof that while on Earth you spent yr. Time in Robbing & plundring other peoples Brains, making havock in the most Ingenious performances monopolizing the Cream & extracting the Beauty & leaving the Dregs & Dross to be Shared at Random, & moreover having thru' exorbitant coveteousness stuff'd his head brim full it all lays stagnant not being posses'd of the one good principal of a Miser even to count his money that it may not Rust. So that having hoarded up great Treasures he has brought all off & defrauded the depending World besides disappointing his many expecting Freinds to their unsurmountable Damage & furthermore Since his Arrival in these Regions Unsatisfy'd with his Terrestrial Treasures, he has partly by fraud, cozen, & insinuating Violence & taken from & deprived our most faithfull Dog Cerberus, of his best head of three, such an unspeakable peice of audacious Sacralidge or Treason, as the Records of this Court cant produce & lastly what agravates his Crimes, & setts them if it were possible beyond the Jurisdiction of this Court is, that all this Robbery, plunder &c. is committeed with Malice propense & with full Intention to Rob & defraud the Creation of all its Excellencys, having never opned his Tresury for a long Time, becoming a great Bank that Refunds Neither principal nor Interest. Yr. punishmt. methinks will very naturally follow on the proff of these Crimes, which will be to comitt to yr. Memory & perpetually to Repeat all the Creeds that were ever made by Any Sect or party since the Creation, & not only to repeat 'em but to acknowledge them in a convend Assembly of their Patrons. Further more to be suspended by yr. Center of Gravity, & have yr. Miser's hoard ransack'd by all the Cullys, Fops, Pedants, Quacks & bungling Mechenicks in the Creation & finally to have yr. head fill'd with fragments of Almanacks hanging Speeches, Rebus's, Popish Legends & Fables, Œgiptian Soothsaying, Indian Powowing & all the Smutty Balder-229dash that ever was wrote, to be denied human Language & to speak only in the beloved Accents of a Dog, & then to howl forth yr. New bestowed Treasure for Ever. By this Time I may be that way my Self & to compleat yr. punishmt. for such notorious coveteousness & neglect I'll heap coals of Fire on yr. head.

P.S It is genrally said 1.2.3. & away, but my lenity reserves my utmost Efforts till the 4th wch. you are now Sensible is next. I have put much money in bank & am starving for the Interest, & if Radamanthus Court wont do me Justice I'm summoning my forces to attack you Vix Armis1 & being desperate nothing will satisfy me but Deaths Victory.

Dft ; addressed: "To R C. Allegorical."

1.

Scarcely by arms.

Monday Decr. 16th. 1754 Madam,1

Imagining from the few appearances you make abroad in the World & yr. natural serious disposition that you are disposed for the retiremt. of a Monastick life, I take this oppertunity (now My thoughts are rendred Serious by afflictive Confinement) to propose to yr. Consideration, a Scheme that has long laboured in my Mind, & I hope is now approaching towards Maturity. The thing I propose is to found, Constitute, a religious Monastry of Nuns, which being regulated & disciplin'd according to the Establish'd Rules in those religious Orders provided, I doubt not will prove productive of more Sincere happiness & immaculate Joys, than perhaps any other State of Life whatsomever. I doubt not Madam but youll Start at the first proposal, beleiving all that Fame says of those fair devotees to be sure, but you should remember that the Religious are always expos'd. However if youll favour me with an opportunity of explaining this Constitution to you (which my present cripled circumstances will decently excuse) I hope to set the matter in such a true light before you as to cause yr. present approving sentiments to end in the genrous Act. As soon as the Society is Constituted, I shall propose myself to be Ordaind Father Confessor. Imagining I shall meet with no great Difficulty in obtaining that post considering my great fitness & the Zeal I shew in founding the Society. And now that a flood of Joy breaks in upon my230Soul wn. I point out to myself the pleasures & happiness of this Life, how Serene my Retirements & how Agreable my Amusements in the Gardens & other Apartments of the Monastry. There we shall have frequent oppertunity of conversing & tho' it be through Grates, yet that will rather add to than decrease the Joy. Yr. Moments, many of wch. are necessarily now spent in tedious cerimonies will then without any waste be employ'd in the most Agreable improvements of the Mind. Yr. Life which in the common way of living may possibly be burthensome to you will then glide away imperceptibly, & ignorant of the many vexations, which the concern of this life involve yr. sex in, you will enjoy most of its pleasures, & finally without saying Adieu wing Away on some Sunbeam. There are many Arguments in favr. of this Order, the chief of wch. I must reserve 'till I am favoured with more intimate conversation, and only observe that the present distress'd state of the Country with regard to our Neighbouring Enemies Should perswade a gen'rous Mind like yrs. to forward the matter, for 'tis certain that Antient Rome was never conquered while the Vestal Virgins were preserv'd in their order but as soon as they were distroyd the Empire fell. Accept these from an admirer of Every female Accomplishmt, & yr. very hble, Servt.

P:S. My Ancle Confines me close, & renders me the Object of a charitable visit from you wch. I can not think inconsistent either wth. decency or your Christian duty, especially if you visit me as Father Confessor.

Dft ; addressed: "To Miss T D: on a Nunnery" To Theodora Dyer."

1.

Theodora Dyer (1738/9–1813) was the only daughter of Joseph and Jerusha (Gulliver) Dyer (sometimes spelled Dyar), of Weymouth, Mass. She was a friend of Eunice Paine who refers to her in letters as "Dora." In 1758 she married Edmund Billings of Braintree (NEHGR 23[1869]: 448; History of Weymouth, 4 vols. [Weymouth, 1923], 3:212).